Line Notes (54-page fantasy)

There’s the sense that there could be a really cool premise here – A mysterious antiquities professor sending two opposing best friends on the search for a possibly hugely dangerous artifact, but the execution makes it easy to pass on the script.

Some things have likely been lost in translation, so we’ll ignore that stuff and instead focus on a couple of other key issues.

Over-directing the actors: This is tricky. On one hand, writers are told to “show, not tell”. That’s often interpreted as using action to help tell the story, and yup, in general, that’s great advice. Problem is, actors don’t like every single movement being dictated to them (they want to bring their own interpretation to a role, or let the director tell them this info), and wooden stage directions aren’t always the most interesting way to engage the reader.

It's easy to misinterpret some of these directions. “The professor tilts his head towards the ceiling.” – Is he frustrated, gathering his thoughts, having a spiritual moment, what?

“He pauses, his breath begins to heavy as his eyes scan the room. His fingers brush against each other as he speaks.” – Is he having a panic attack, a heart attack, is he bored, who knows?

Other times, detailing every action a character makes is laborious. Why say “he sits back in his chair. Ezra's eyes dart between his left and right side, smugly.”, when “Ezra sits back, smug” tells us the exact same thing but is half the time? Or instead of “Ezra's smile drops and purses his lips while shaking his head.”, the writer could just sum up what Ezra is feeling with something like “Ezra’s disappointed in Cassius.” or use one gesture instead of three “Ezra tuts.”

Over-writing is also an issue. Info is being repeated, not every line is moving the plot forward or adding to the story, and the excessive actor direction slows the pace, meaning we could be getting to the good bits much faster.

For an opening scene, is enough happening to get us hooked? The Professor is certainly passionate on the subject, and there’s certainly hints that he’s perhaps not all that he seems, which is engaging, but there’s room for improvement. The all-important assignment “Understand what drives the meaning behind the preservation of these items” is vague, wordy, and lacks punch. In essence, he’s asking his students to find out why people want to save/collect old things, but he’s already given them the answer, it’s “obsession”. That’s great at establishing the theme, but is it enough to pull you into the plot?

What are your thoughts? Are the errors forgivable, and you were still let wanting more, or did the read become too much of a chore?

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